failure to summit

do you ever feel as though you're climbing a mountain that just keeps getting bigger? i do. it's not that i don't make progress along the way, but once i feel like i am making it, or that i have a good foothold, the mountain grows, or my feet slip. after 28 years of climbing i feel like i can look out and see miles around me; i feel like my vision is better and the wonder of what's around me is overwhelming, but my goal is still to summit, and i am exhausted.
i have failed to change my template on this blog (i think the dots are okay, but it could be better), i have failed at communicating with certain people, i have failed at getting out of debt, i have failed as a boyfriend, i have failed as a job finder, i have failed.
this isn't meant to sound as dire as it does, but i have been pondering something that we have been discussing in class as of late. namely, that because of the curse, men are doomed to toil and sweat and never find fulfillment in their work. that we will work towards the peak, but never reach it, and if we were to, it would eventually turn to dust.
i know that i have accomplished much and i know that i have been successful in a few things, but i continue to wonder whether or not i will ever be good enough at anything. not that i have to be to be happy, but it would be nice.
for a short while i thought that i could prove myself with grades in graduate school; thinking that good grades were a statement of my intelligence and understanding, but i know that this is not necessarily the case. i still have a knack for doing things half-assed and getting by. but herein lies the problem. i know i can get by. i know it's easy. but if that's all i want then that's just another form of failure. in fact, it's worse. by not risking everything to do my best, by accepting my fate as mediocre i fail myself, my potential, and anyone who may actually hope or believe in me.
you see--the fear of failing at something (and no, i'm not just talking about grades) leads me to act in a way that doesn't allow me to fail, but in doing so, i act in a way that doesn't allow for my true ability or potential to shine either. yuck.
it's a hard commitment to make, but i want to pour my heart into everything that i do. i am sick of mediocrity. so consider this a warning: i will try my best not to be so-so, and to be good at whatever i endeavor. this means that i may crash and burn from time to time, but i think that the times that it works will be worth it. expect me to fail (i'm really good at it) and try to be nice when i do, and i promise that someday i will be better. i refuse to accept my fate. i refuse to remain complacent in mediocrity. look out. i'm still climbing, and now i have crampons.
...also i want to continue the post "union y familia" (marriage and family) because it ended on a pretty hopeless note. so look forward to that.