sadness

today was a hard day.
as i reflect on my life and look at the mistakes that i have made and the problems that i have had i am sad.
there is so much that pains me to talk about. there is even more that pains me to think about. today i wept thinking about the ways that i was cast into the world without the education and protection that i desperately needed to avoid injury. i was naked, and as a result i have been scarred and wounded. i wish so much that i had known more then, and i'm afraid of what this exposure will bring in the future. i refuse to go into detail here, mostly because this is such a public forum, but also because some of the things i have to contemplate are too personal to write.
the hope in all of this is that i continue to become more and more aware of what my life has been and as a result what it could be. i am no longer naked and fragile, but my scars are marks that remind me of the healing that can occur. it's hard not to be angry. perhaps it's okay to be angry--this is a hard thought. i have spent so much time believing that anger is unjust, but Christ himself was angry at times and remained righteous.
in my sadness, i am proud of myself. i am proud that my eyes are seeing with more clarity instead of the myopic blur that has been distorting my vision for so long. i hope deeply that i have the courage to continue to dig into my past. i need to know the minute details of my past in order to better understand my calling.
my hope in becoming a therapist is not to heal situational problems, but to empower others with a vision that will not allow self-deception to continue. i don't want to heal problems, but souls.
it is a sad and painful process, but a noble one--one that discovers and upholds the dignity and honor in each person and promotes it to the glory of God. i wish that there were an army of healers that could fight this battle. i hope that i will be able to fight well and out of love and respect.