death rattle

today a patient of mine had a medical episode that is fatal 20% of the time it occurs. i know that may not seem like a lot of percent, but it's a shit load of percent for a psych hospital where medical emergencies rarely happen. i kind of froze, but was able to recover and assist how i could. basically we just sent this person to the ER and they were able to stabilize them (yes i'm being intentionally vague with description of condition, gender, etc for ethical purposes). i really just wanted to write and talk briefly about death.
i remember being really young and my great-grandmother dying (i'm guessing i was about 4) and being very shocked and sad about the whole thing. i remember crying in my father's arms and sobbing, "i don't want to die". i wasn't grieving the loss of my GGM (i didn't know her well), but i was terrified for my own life. then there was a long period of not thinking about it. my sophomore year of college one of my friends from high school was in a car wreck and subsequently passed away in the hospital due to the injuries she sustained. i thought i was fine. i was shocked to lose a friend, but i wanted to be strong. then her parents asked me to be a pall-bearer at the funeral, i obliged them out of kindness, but honestly the idea of the whole thing really creeped me out. the funeral devastated me. i couldn't bear witnessing the pain of parents losing a child, but furthermore i began to fathom my own mortality. the reality that i could die at any moment sank in and made me realize how quickly everything could end, or be taken away.
it's easy to get wrapped up in the routine of life, the mundane, daily tasks that we occupy ourselves with and we forget about how precious our time is here. this isn't some carpe diem rant, but sometimes i just have to stop and look around and be thankful for my breathe and the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. the bonus here is that once i start doing this--start paying attention to the life, friends, stuff, that i have been given, the mundane stuff, the things that i get the most stressed about, stop mattering as much. it's still important to pay bills and such, but it's not what i'm about and it should never define me. i'm sick of dealing with anxiety over things that are indeed mundane. part of the change that has been happening within me, more so than ever, is investing more in relationships than in things like retirement.