transaction action
i've been working on a synopsis paper for my new testament class, and reading over some of my papers i have not only come to the conclusion that i am really smart, but also that there's something that i've been messing up. it's not something that a do a lot, or even often for that matter, but it's something that i catch myself doing from time to time. this thing is expecting reciprocity in relationships.
what this means is that from time to time i'll apologize or buy something, or say something, or do something, on and on, and i do so in order to get something in return. please understand that most of the time this reciprocal expectation is subconscious, but it's still there. thus, i'm operating in relationships on a transactional basis. you scratch my back, i'll scratch yours type of scenario. i am a dirty relational capitalist.
now really this is nothing new, there's no such thing as true altruism. but what i'm talking about is much more insidious. i want people to be thankful, sorry, give me a compliment, etc., sometimes i even want people to pay (not monetarily) for something.
i'm glad that i'm beginning to recognize this because being aware of it allows me to avoid it and to change it. i want to be different. i want to be remade. i really want to be able to give myself to others and do so on a non-transactional basis. i want to stop allowing myself to blame others for not meeting my expectations. hell, my expectations suck; why would i want anyone to conform to them?
movie note: just saw bourne ultimatum and man was it good. my friend CJT said it best: "jason bourne would own jack bauer". so true. fun movie. don't expect to be intellectually challenged or stimulated, just have fun.
1 comment:
Stu, thanks for a very thoughtful (and thought-provoking) entry. I can definitely relate, and I suspect it is farther reaching than we imagine. In a sense, this "reciprocal expectation" is the oldest sin in the book. Wasn't our first father treasonously convinced that he was owed more? It is a self-first mentality that isn't simply interpersonal; I know I try to demand reciprocity with God all the time. Thankfully, He's not susceptible to my manipulation and He's incredibly gracious.
On an interpersonal level, I remember an old pastor of mine saying that this thing we call a "personality" is nothing more than a carefully constructed PR campaign to make the world work for us. It took me a while to wrestle with that, but it made me realize that I had to quite blaming my sin on "my personality." When I try to draw a line in the sand and say, "I'm not changing that, it is my personality (or who I am)," I have to come face-to-face with the reality that "who I am" is someone in need of a Savior.
Anyway, I've rambled quite enough, but I enjoyed reading your thoughts, and doing a bit of journaling myself. Take care!
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