the final countdown

at this point TLK and i are counting down the days until the big wedding. 16 for all you that need to know.
people keep asking me if i'm excited. i don't really know how to respond to this--there are so many angles from which to approach that question. the answer i normally give is: "yes, i am excited, but i am also very busy which leaves little time for excitement exploration/revelry". that's true, but there are things that are more true underneath that statement. another aspect of it is that i don't, and have never, really allowed myself to get excited about anything. all this is coming from writing a paper on my attachment style. the super nutshell version is that i have emotions and my body responds to them (somatically/psysiologically), but they are rarely represented in the affect that i present--that is i don't let myself feel emotions, but instead, internalize them and they are manifested in things like anxiety or lower back pain. there's so much behind and beyond this that i have neither the time or capacity to enter into here.
i know. it sounds pretty fucked up--and it is. the good news is that i'm learning about it and i'm learning about me. the better news is that it can change.
the best news of all is that i am changing. it is a slow process. right now i have to basically stop my brain from racing and let words and things sink in (what seems) really, really deeply before i can find the emotion that lies within. when i find it, it usually surprises me how intense the feelings can be--how intensely i can feel. so i guess i haven't found the excitement that everyone is looking for, but i'm feeling it, and i'm searching for it, and i'm eager to discover what it feels like emotionally.